I didn't understand it

I don’t know how to explain it. I just know that I have a feeling that I use to battle with. It had to do with my salvation. It wasn’t about being saved, for I knew that, but understanding how God was able to forgive me. My sins have always plagued my mind. My regret for such actions was almost defeating. It made me feel so terrible deep within myself. This emotion, if it can be called that, was the source of my trouble. At least I thought of it that way. I felt like I was thinking to much about what I was forgiven for. Thankfully I was wrong.

One night I sinned in such a way that it made me want to die. I felt so terrible about it that I couldn’t see how God would let me live after I performed it. In the midst of that sea of sorrow that My actions caused, I found something. I found a Joy, yes A Joy in the realization of my fallen state. I had always known this but it hadn’t meant as much to me as it did that night in quite sometime.

The Joy that I found was so peaceful. It gave me just enough strength to make it through the night and the next couple of days. This Joy came because I saw once again the Grace and Favor that God had placed upon me. To see that with all that I have done, he still loved me. I felt like every sin I had ever done was before my eye’s that night. I saw them all.

The list is so large, I could name them all in detail and write several books off of it, or I could go into a vague description and still come to pages, like I did the night I prayed to God, for what seemed like an eternity to me. I was completely overcome by sorrow and completely renewed by joy, while being swallowed by the presence of God.

I wish I knew how to form that feeling into words so that you could understand. Yet I have no way. I’m unable to explain it plainly because it was such a heavenly thing. Perhaps that was the feeling that Isaiah had when he was in the presence of God and felt so unworthy yet so blessed to have Gods favor upon his life.
IT was like seeing everything I have ever done wrong all placed in a giant pile that was placed upon me. Then having it slowly removed from me as I confessed it to God once again. As it left piece by piece it was replaced by a heavier feeling.
This feeling but a sample of the weight of God. That weight was greater than my sin, as if I was placed at the very bottom of Mariana Trench. However this amazing pressure was so wonderful to be it as it was the very presence of God that has freed me and many others from their sins.

However this feeling, this wonderful weight that is so unbearable but so desirable to me wasn’t enough to rid me of the feeling. It still kept nagging at me. How Could God forgive me of all that I have done, all that I repeatedly do. That thought waged war within me. IT made me feel like the greatest hypocrite of all time. To be someone who has been in the presence of God, to know his word, to have became his child, and still sin. That drove me nuts.
I don’t know how to explain this either but I found that my sensitivity to my sin, that revealed my unholy ness to me, even in areas of my life that are hidden from myself, was the greatest sign of Gods Grace in my life. For him to show me that I am so worthless, to humble me, and show he loved me was such a wonderful gift. I still feel such a pain, such a sorrow, like none I’ve ever endured within me. It is sharper than any blade, faster than any bullet, more powerful than any bomb, or military force. It make’s me want to crumble.

In the mist of such regret and revelation I find myself saying things that psychologist would relate to chronic depression. Yet I find them to be my greatest Joy. To find that I am utterly worthless and unable to do anything to please my God within myself was wonderful. It shows that nothing I do will ever make me reach him. It also shows because I can never reach him on my own, I can never loose him on my own. Only By me wanting him and God reaching out to grab me am I saved.

I find myself hating my sin so strongly and when I do it, I crumble because I feel so unholy and worthless to God. Yet he always comes and lifts me back up. I just humble myself before him when This happens or some terrible event occurs in my life that seems to overtake me. To my knee’s do I fall at my fathers thrown, where he smiles and tells me that I can endure and then gives me just enough strength to make it through the day, while constantly using it to make me grow.

Oh how wonderful God is. The only God, and the only one deserving of my worship. The One who is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, High Priest of High Priests, The prince of peace, the hope of my salvation, and my Father. Not only a loving father who wants the best for me, but a wise, just, and all powerful God who looks at me with Compassion.